I'm not a politician. I've never pretended to be during my run as 4th Ward Council Member. I was publicly elected to office, true; but it's always been my contention that politicians care only about themselves, how to win the next election, and how to get that next bigger and better elected position or appointment. Politicians are ego-driven and short on sincerety. That's why I said 'no' 37 times before saying 'yes' when asked to run for city council in 2001. That was ten years ago. After an unsuccessful request to be appointed to a vacant council chair. After being told a woman's place was in the kitchen not the council chambers. I said yes. Ten years ago. And now it's time to say goodbye.
Being a publicly elected official means many things: : running to the grocery store for a few things takes over an hour instead of 10 minutes because constituents want to talk; everyone believes you can fix their problems, lower taxes, repair the potholes (on their street first, please); the big picture sometimes gets lost in the emotion of the issue; and the press remembers a lot.
December 20, 2011 that all changed for me with my last official council meeting. Now I get asked what I'm going to do with y spare time ...as if the concern for the big picture and the future of the community just magically went away. It all changed and I'm out of the loop and no one seems interested in my opinion.
I sometimes think people don't get it though. Or maybe they do and I'm the one with blinders on thinking I can make difference. But its done now and time to say goodbye to the council seat and hello to Monday evenings....... I think I'm playing the 'second guessing' or 'what if' game because the continuum somehow feels just a bit off.
The holiday favorite, "It's beginning to look a lot like Chrisstmas" isn't exactly the case today with the sun shining and the grass (now that the leaves have been raked) are still a rather vivid shade of green for November 29. But what does come to mind is 'it's beginning to Feel a bit chaotic' as I start to think about holiday gatherings and gift giving how many days until the children come to visit. I really envy those who skate through the holiday season unscathed, full of glee, avoiding tears, depression, nd panic attacks.....
I don't remember the last time my sister, brother, Mother and I posed for a photo together... it was literally years until this past September when we all gathered in Kansas City.
It's an interesting life phenomenon that events which usually bring people physically together are usually times of emotional stress, unlike the rare occurrence pictured here. No one died. No one was sick. The stress involved was getting four individual schedules to cooperate so we all occupied the same space at the same time.
It's sad, really, that living so often gets in the way of appreciating life and those we care about. At some point during each day I think I'll be better and act smarter and care more and prove that I do.
But at the end of the day when darkness closes in, the reality of follow-through hits hard. The only thing that was really addressed was more of the same.
It's becoming increasingly difficult to find my balance. There are too many requests and too many deadlines and too many mandates mingling with a selfishness to choose how to divide my time and what to label as Priority 1A. I want to spend hours with fountain pen in hand allowing images to manifest themselves on journal pages through my inked words. I don't care if the end result is of publishing caliber. But the pages remain silent and the ink encapsulated, because it's not to be, at least not today or maybe not even this week, this month. Instead I'm stealing this minute for self-gratification and blogging this single paragraph .... a poor substitute at best.