Lost Chances

Finding time for reflection which isn't influenced by momentary chaos, making notes of musings, is challenging and difficult at best. Periodically throughout my day, my brain wanders; and with the wandering, elaborate thoughts creep into consciousness, begging for definition and expansion. And I vow to develop the cogitation via journal or blog or poetic ramblings ... just as soon as I finish my current project. Resulting, of course, in the disappearance of creeping thoughts, exceptional as they may have been, now lost in my brain's recesses right next to the potential for Robert Frost brilliance.

Hoping for Change

New years always bring change. I never thought change was a difficult animal to tame, but apparently I was wrong. Change by it's basic nature is chaotic and lacking in structure which does not sit well with my basic nature.

Attempting to change how I deal with change had always been a little bit like a New Year's resolution to lose weight: I'd hope things would be different and that my one-time stop at the gymn or one-mile walk would somehow magically be enough to impose weight loss... You'd think I'd learn hoping wihout a substantive plan coupled with necessary action items and a consistent determined mindset is not very productive.

I'm hoping to change that this year.

I Resolve....

To heed the words of Benjamin Franklin:

"Be at war with your vices
at peace with your neighbors
and let every new year
find you a better person."

And maybe i will throw in a resolve to journal and/or blog daily.
Happy New Year.

Time To Say Goodbye

I'm not a politician. I've never pretended to be during my run as 4th Ward Council Member. I was publicly elected to office, true; but it's always been my contention that politicians care only about themselves, how to win the next election, and how to get that next bigger and better elected position or appointment. Politicians are ego-driven and short on sincerety. That's why I said 'no' 37 times before saying 'yes' when asked to run for city council in 2001. That was ten years ago. After an unsuccessful request to be appointed to a vacant council chair. After being told a woman's place was in the kitchen not the council chambers. I said yes. Ten years ago. And now it's time to say goodbye.

Being a publicly elected official means many things: : running to the grocery store for a few things takes over an hour instead of 10 minutes because constituents want to talk; everyone believes you can fix their problems, lower taxes, repair the potholes (on their street first, please); the big picture sometimes gets lost in the emotion of the issue; and the press remembers a lot.

December 20, 2011 that all changed for me with my last official council meeting. Now I get asked what I'm going to do with y spare time ...as if the concern for the big picture and the future of the community just magically went away. It all changed and I'm out of the loop and no one seems interested in my opinion.

I sometimes think people don't get it though. Or maybe they do and I'm the one with blinders on thinking I can make difference. But its done now and time to say goodbye to the council seat and hello to Monday evenings....... I think I'm playing the 'second guessing' or 'what if' game because the continuum somehow feels just a bit off.

It's beginning to....

The holiday favorite, "It's beginning to look a lot like Chrisstmas" isn't exactly the case today with the sun shining and the grass (now that the leaves have been raked) are still a rather vivid shade of green for November 29. But what does come to mind is 'it's beginning to Feel a bit chaotic' as I start to think about holiday gatherings and gift giving how many days until the children come to visit. I really envy those who skate through the holiday season unscathed, full of glee, avoiding tears, depression, nd panic attacks.....

A Rare Moment

I don't remember the last time my sister, brother, Mother and I posed for a photo together... it was literally years until this past September when we all gathered in Kansas City.

It's an interesting life phenomenon that events which usually bring people physically together are usually times of emotional stress, unlike the rare occurrence pictured here. No one died. No one was sick. The stress involved was getting four individual schedules to cooperate so we all occupied the same space at the same time.

It's sad, really, that living so often gets in the way of appreciating life and those we care about. At some point during each day I think I'll be better and act smarter and care more and prove that I do.

But at the end of the day when darkness closes in, the reality of follow-through hits hard. The only thing that was really addressed was more of the same.

To Much Technology

Between the blog and web albums and web sites and how I'm currently employed, I feel like I'm a victim of too much technology and not enough time which is why this blog usually suffers.

Balance

It's becoming increasingly difficult to find my balance. There are too many requests and too many deadlines and too many mandates mingling with a selfishness to choose how to divide my time and what to label as Priority 1A. I want to spend hours with fountain pen in hand allowing images to manifest themselves on journal pages through my inked words. I don't care if the end result is of publishing caliber. But the pages remain silent and the ink encapsulated, because it's not to be, at least not today or maybe not even this week, this month. Instead I'm stealing this minute for self-gratification and blogging this single paragraph .... a poor substitute at best.

Changing Time

Spring forward, fall back.... Glad this is 'fall back' time. I wonder if anyone actually changes the clocks at 2 AM, the official Daylight Savings Time beginning and I wonder why 2 AM was chosen. Or maybe it wasn't chosen. Maybe there is some scientific, meteorological, astronomical reasoning behind 2 AM. I waited until 7 AM after getting up and the coffee had finished brewing. I then sat in the easy chair, enjoyed the sunrise and the gift of time. I'm sure I won't feel the same way come 10 PM when my body is telling me its really 11.

Well Put

My son-in-law said it best: "So disappointed for my state, whose citizens collectively failed a rudimentary 6th grade civics exam yesterday."

Rambling Afterthoughts

I understand the Supreme Court Justices' news release was a very classy response. I would expect nothing less, though I haven't seen it yet. I can't seem to get over feeling really bad bad for them and I'm trying to decide if it's because I know them (I've played the piano while Justice Streit sang following dinner one evening at The Des Moines Club) or if I feel bad because administratively Q's work could, it appears, become more difficult, or because Iowans are just stupid to vote emotionally, reacting with revenge and ignorance to the real issues ... Then there's Newly Elected For the 5th Time Governor Brandstad -- My daughter says it feels like 1989 again. Actually, that wouldn't be all bad if I could have another 20+ years to live and be given some 'do-overs.'  Guess I'm felling pretty old today. Old and sad...

It Happened

The unofficial results indicate three Supreme Court Justices have been unseated. I don't like how I'm feeling and am ashamed Iowa has chosen to emotionally react. What's the next target? Where will the momentum take the throngs? Why do I feel like this is just the beginning? This feels so disastrous... My Pentecostal upbringing resurfaces with these feelings and, coupled with earthquakes, tsunamis, and economic collapse reported in recent news features, I remember "Revelation" and wonder how close is the end as I know it? OK, now who is reacting with emotions...

Concerned....

I've been reading the DM Register, listening to comments of friends and acquaintances, watching the evening news, viewing web sites and, for the first time in my voting history, I am truly concerned regarding an outcome. This is different than just not liking the results. It's different than the typical philosophical debates surrounding Republican and Democrat ideology. I fear the potential consequences and foresee a very real, negative impact on the horizon - not only for the populace but for the individuals who passionately guard the law. I don't understand Iowans believing the judiciary must uphold the will of the people. I don't understand their disgust.

Life is about to change, I'm afraid. And, if early indications become reality, not for the better...

The Recall

Memory triggers fascinate me - the moments, the smells, the objects which cause deeply buried memories to resurface. The enthrallment begs the question 'why?' Why this memory? What was so poignant it was even preserved? Today's trigger: nail clippers.

• Activity: Hangnail caught on the dishtowel why drying dishes causing pain
• Problem: Remove exposed hangnail to eliminate further tear potential and minimize pain
• Solution: Retrieve nail clippers from the catch-all basket on the end-table and clip off the hangnail
• Memory: "Just trust me..."

While carefully trying to clip the offending hangnail, the memory of a Campfire Girls' Meeting interrupts my concentration. (Campfire Girls was more popular where I grew up than Girl Scouts but with similar goals and structure.) The year was approximately 1964. After the business meeting , project report, and a financial accounting from dues and most recent bake sale, the program began: "Manicures Keep Hands Pretty."
My memory fast forwards to the moment I heard "trust me; it won't hurt.

The featured guest was showing the group, using my left index finger in the presentation, how to use nail clippers correctly to remove painful hangnails without pain. I really didn't believe it could be done and through her a I'm not that stupid, it's gonna hurt piercing glare. Every piece of mental armor went up when she looked at me and said "trust me." I didn't trust - especially adults who demanded I do.

The rest of the girls were standing around me, leaning forward, trying to get a better look, trying to see whether or not there would be blood with the clip while placing silent wagers as to whether or not the presenter was lying . The muscles in my arms tensed; my right foot began to twitch; I clenched my teeth and squinted, focusing on the manicurist's hand bringing the nail clipper closer and closer ....

She clipped. It didn't hurt. I was stunned ... not because of the absence of pain but because she hadn't lied.

yet here i sit...

The storms have passed this Sunday morning. A quick drive around indicates more severity than first realized. Limbs, some big enough to cause detours to the wrong side of the road, have found new homes on side streets. Smaller versions, still clutching small bunches of leaves, paint sidewalks to brilliant greens. Translucent, frail, cloud leftovers zig-zag across baby blue skies as the sun makes quick work evaporating puddle and surface moisture. The storms have passed this Sunday morning along with the time for reflection...

Two in a Row

Perhaps sitting in a hotel room gazing out a window toward rolling greens and sand traps of the resort's (and I use that term loosely) golf course listening to the iPod causes the contemplation necessary to actually blog two days in a row. (Is blog a verb and a noun?) Or maybe it's not contemplation but just slowing down enough to make the effort.

I often wonder how 'off' I am because I enjoy staying in a room writing or reading or gazing even though there's the casino four floors down and amenities (spa, wellness center, restaurants, shopping) all available to steal my time. Yet, here I sit. And I'm just fine with that...

rambling thoughts

at some point,
should we evaluate
the impact life has on living?
should we look back and say,
'ahh ha' I get it now'
because it all
really does matter?

do choices made then
have minimal impact
on now since now is
so far removed from then?

consequences and learning
must go hand-in-hand
with choices from both
and you'd think
we'd all eventually say
'ahh ha, it really does matter'
because of the consequences
but too many people
still don't get it.

Breakfast in the Backyard

There seems to be a lot of Cedar Wax Wings this year. Flocks of them in the back yard enjoy fruit from the CrabApple trees. Their coloring makes it difficult to see how many there are sometimes. It's nice to have a zoom lense in these circumstances...

Agghhh!

Technology and its changes are quite frustrating! Blogging.... it's an adequate substitution to throwing the laptop or blackberry or dvr or bluetooth device out the window...

There's a type of storm that...

...makes you run outside, risk being pelted in the face by stinging rain drops and wind threatening that low hanging branch, so you can pull your car into the garage because you know the hail is coming and its going to get worse long before the storm subsides.

...makes you want to throw on sweatpants and a sweatshirt, curl up in a blanket, pull a good book from the shelf, build a roaring fire and then open the window to feel the contrast of the storm's cool breeze and the fire's heat.

...causes melancholy to engulf your being, fills your brain with remember when and your eyes with tears because you finally realize you can never take it back - life has no dress rehearsals.

...energizes your thought processes and empowers creative genes resulting in massive productivity so at the end of the storm you walk away from activities satisfied, energized, and exhausted all at the same time.